Jokes!!!

[EQguy]

Re: Jokes!!!

An addendum to Bluehats initial Management Lesson:

Management Lesson #2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

[1bunnies]

Re: Jokes!!!

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 45 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.....

#1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

[i_got_a_fever]

Re: Jokes!!!

A Jackrabbit fan and a Coyote Fan are both in 1st grade...who is bigger?

The Coyote fan because he's 18.

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

What do you call a resturant with no management and lots of high schoolers?

Burger King.

Oooh my dad would frown at me for that one

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

The Blimp

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil are converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "relaxing sleep mode" to HOLY SH*T! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 700.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities.

Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress) (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living sh*t out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped
it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there.

I closed the door, thus sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

************************************************** ***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we had assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

The Train set

Little Johnny loved his new train set. He could spend hours every day happily playing by himself with his beloved train. One day while his mom was cooking she overheard Johnny playing with his trains.

Every time the train would stop at the station, Johnny would say, "Everyone that wants to get off the train, get the !@#@! off. Every one that wants to get on, get the !@#@! on."

Shocked, Johnny was sent to sit in the time out chair for two hours before being aloud to begin play with the train set. As johnny began the play his mother listened by the kitchen door to see if he had learn his lesson.

As the train pulled into the station, she heard Johnny say, "Everyone that wants to get off, get the !@#@! off, Everyone that wants to get on, get the !@#@! on. Everyone who has a problem with the two hour delay, direct your complaints to the bitch in the kitchen."

***Good jokes in this thread deserve some rep points. Share the love and throw out some points to your favorite jokes.

[jackrabit1]

Re: Jokes!!!

It's an oldy but a goody and I figure it's worth a few rep points!


ACUTAL AIRLINE CONVERSATIONS....


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


************************************************** ***

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


************************************************** *****

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


************************************************** *******

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


************************************************** ********

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


************************************************** ******

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


************************************************** *****

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

************************************************** *******

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the ollowing:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


************************************************** ********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


************************************************** *********
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute litt! le plane . Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

************************************************** *********

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


************************************************** *****************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[KUlawJack]

Re: Jokes!!!


Deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will
give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole."

[GoJackRabbits#1]

Re: Jokes!!!

I had no idea there was such a thing as Norwegian jokes. Ole and Lena?


Where I'm from, we make fun of Kentucky:

Did you hear about the Kentucky Wildcat who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Eastern Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky
burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Q. Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
A. Otherwise it would be called a "teethbrush"

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

New Salesman

A young man from Brookings moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid answers, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Brookings."

Well, the manager liked the kid and gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The manager says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Expedition."

The manager listened to this and wondered aloud, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?!?!??!!!"

The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and rented a car to go to the nearest golfcourse for a round of golf. When he returned the car, the man in the car rental agency noticed that the golfer had dropped something in the front seat and said: "Excuse me, sir, but are these yours?" "Yes, thanks, those are my tees." "What do you do with them?" "I put my balls on them when I drive..."

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

Lie Detecting Robot
One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"
Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

Judging by the response I've gotten, it's clear Jackrabbit fans aren't too fond of humor.

[SDSUJack3031]

Re: Jokes!!!

Judging by the response I've gotten, it's clear Jackrabbit fans aren't too fond of humor.

Sorry....sometimes I have better things to do than sit on here all day....

[EQguy]

Re: Jokes!!!

Sorry....sometimes I have better things to do than sit on here all day....

Then why comment?