Jokes!!!

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

5 minute management course

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

[Nidaros]

Re: Jokes!!!

Or just delete the arguing and keep only the jokes...

Okay to make everyone happy I will do exactly that. All of my posts in this have been deleted. I can not edit where I been quoted. So that I have no control over.

[JackJD]

Re: Jokes!!!

I think a big part of the risk in telling many jokes, notably those picking on groups, is that the humor depends on the listener believing that there is a kernel of "truth" built into the joke. For example, assume one of you has a daughter who is 10 years old, the apple of your eye, a brilliant child who is destined to earn a doctorate and finds the cure for a terrible disease. Assume further your daughter is very blonde.

Now, want to hear another blonde joke?

Given sufficient time, I am confident I can find out something about a person and weave it into a joke which is very insulting to that person and yet makes everyone within earshot roar with laughter. When the person who is the target registers an objection, I shoot back: What's the matter? Can't take a joke? I can laugh at myself...heck I tell jokes on lawyers all the time. Irish lawyers, like me...hah, hah, hah...Know why God invented whiskey? To keep the Irish from taking over the world....

I took a different view of lawyer jokes when my son became a lawyer. Now, I prefer you not tell me lawyer jokes because I don't like it when you portray my son in a bad light. You can do all you want to me but don't go after my kid.

Every so often I have a client give me a book of lawyer jokes. Two of those books are on my desk in my office. Yes, I've retold a few. But, think about it...lawyer jokes make people laugh because they depend on portraying lawyers in a negative light and, after all, don't we know those things are true about lawyers?

Actually, I don't get too bent out of shape on these things but I understand why some may object. I respect that objection. What business do I have making fun of someone of a particular heritage? [I have a copy of the often-seen picture from the 1860s...a store window with the sign "Help Wanted -- No Irish Need Apply". I'm about 75% Irish. Most of my ancestors came over, many died, on the boats from 1848-1852. Few immigrant groups had as much trouble as the Irish when they first came to America.]

When nearly all of us reading and contributing to this Message Board share a common love of SDSU, should we focus on our similarities and common goals or should we spend time talking about our differences?

That's my two-cents worth.

[Nidaros]

Re: Jokes!!!

I'm not sure a forum regarding South Dakota State University was ever meant to take on this direction. Especially not under a topic labeled "Jokes!!!". Where is Catchem when you need him?

Your right. Have a nice day.

[Walrus]

Re: Jokes!!!

Wait a minute here, based on what you said earlier how can you laugh at Walrus joke? Seems to me that joke is offensive to Christians. Get a life

I'm not sure how to respond or even if I should. I am a Christian and on some levels a rather militant one, I suppose. I'm not sure if boxerboy is really an offended Christian or just taking a poke at Nidaros. I don't think the joke is particularly offensive. I suppose the panties in the pocket implies a possibility of illicit behavior. Perhaps we could change the "ladies panties" to "ladies pink mittens" and retain the essence of the story.

Of course, the idea of St Peter sitting at the Gates of Heaven allowing souls to enter based on the whim of the day is not theologically sound.
Many jokes, however, depend upon an absurd premise. In fact many jokes depend upon this particular absurd premise.

For example, (this one will offend the athiests, but I'm not pc enough to care)

A man dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "ok, here's how it works. You need 100 points to get in. You tell me the good things you've done and I assign a point value to each one. If you get 100 points you're in."

The guy figures this is easy. He says "I was married to the same woman for more than 50 years and never cheated once, not even in my heart."

St Peter says, "That's pretty good - 3 points"

The guy says, "Only 3. How about this? I attended church all my life and supported it with my tithe and service."

St Peter says "That gets you a point"

"One? I started a soup kitchen in my town and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans"

"Terrific, that's good for 2 points"

Now totally exasperated, the guy shouts, "2 points! At this rate the only way I'll ever get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!

[JackJD]

Re: Jokes!!!

Walrus: I think I've gotten more mileage out of the panties joke today than any joke I've told in the last two years.

[boxerboy]

Re: Jokes!!!

I'm not sure how to respond or even if I should. I am a Christian and on some levels a rather militant one, I suppose. I'm not sure if boxerboy is really an offended Christian or just taking a poke at Nidaros. I don't think the joke is particularly offensive. I suppose the panties in the pocket implies a possibility of illicit behavior. Perhaps we could change the "ladies panties" to "ladies pink mittens" and retain the essence of the story.

Of course, the idea of St Peter sitting at the Gates of Heaven allowing souls to enter based on the whim of the day is not theologically sound.
Many jokes, however, depend upon an absurd premise. In fact many jokes depend upon this particular absurd premise.

For example, (this one will offend the athiests, but I'm not pc enough to care)

A man dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "ok, here's how it works. You need 100 points to get in. You tell me the good things you've done and I assign a point value to each one. If you get 100 points you're in."

The guy figures this is easy. He says "I was married to the same woman for more than 50 years and never cheated once, not even in my heart."

St Peter says, "That's pretty good - 3 points"

The guy says, "Only 3. How about this? I attended church all my life and supported it with my tithe and service."

St Peter says "That gets you a point"

"One? I started a soup kitchen in my town and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans"

"Terrific, that's good for 2 points"

Now totally exasperated, the guy shouts, "2 points! At this rate the only way I'll ever get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!

I was only trying to make a point with Nidaros (poorly I guess) I thought your joke was very funny. None of the jokes I have seen have offended me. Other than that Mav a$$hole that got kicked off this forum.

[Jacks-D1]

Re: Jokes!!!

Husband and Wife Diary entries:


Wife's entry:

Nov 15, 2007

My husband went deer hunting today and I went shopping with my girlfriend's. Met up with my husband for supper. He seemed sullen and withdrawn all throughout supper. On the drive home my husband was silent. When we got home he quickly put his pajamas on and went to bed. I was worried something was wrong and I went to bed also. I cuddled next to him and despite his mood he responded to my touch and we made love. Afterward he was again quiet and withdrawn and went right to sleep. What is going on? What have I done? Is he seeing someone? I don't know what to do.




Husbands entry:

Nov 15, 2007

Missed a big buck today, but at least I got laid.

[1stRowFANatic]

Re: Jokes!!!

Husband's thought maybe, but diary entry?

Good Joke

[Jacks-D1]

Re: Jokes!!!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken back because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

[Jack4Life]

Re: Jokes!!!

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Geez, D1, how am supposed to get any work done?

[RodentiaX1]

Re: Jokes!!!

If time went backwards, the world would be a very different place:

You would make a lot of money pumping gas from your tank into the gas station's tank.

Car dealers buy new cars from you, paying you in monthly installments, and in addition, they give you an old wreck to drive.

Mechanics pay you to damage your car, but the damage will get fixed by driving over a pothole.

Uphill skiing would be very popular, and a great cure for a broken leg.

Tornados would be fantastic! They would sweep through broken down neighborhoods, building homes along the way.

We would export crappy products to China.

Not all would be good, however:

Santa Claus would be a jerk who steals children's favorite toys.

St. Francis would be a monster who maims small animals.

Winning the lottery would really suck.

... and vomiting would be even a worse experience.

[jackrabit1]

Norm!!!

Since it's Friday... and who's really working right now... I present the wit and wisdom of Cheers' favorite barfly.



"Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr.. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, `what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

[boxerboy]

Re: Norm!!!

Since it's Friday... and who's really working right now... I present the wit and wisdom of Cheers' favorite barfly.



"Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr.. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, `what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

Ahh the cool and refreshing philosophies of Norm Peterson. Thanks Jackrabbit 1

[Rabbit3467]

Re: Jokes!!!

jackrabit1

Cheers and Norm, my favorites.

Rep points for you.