Jokes!!!

[jackrabit1]

I've decided... this board is incomplete without a joke section. So I'm setting one up here. After all, what's life without a little laughter!

[jackrabit1]

Re: Jokes!!!

The first joke...

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN
MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da
no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where
flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear
of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are
by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is
met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you
wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two
tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second
Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze
liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to
worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest
wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used
to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da
Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our
sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say
"trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not
because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat
of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in
da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put
your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee
pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am
going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let
deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land
in Dulut or pretty close."


Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline

[West-River_Jack]

Re: Jokes!!!

The first joke...

Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear
of da aircraft.

So . . . who brings the lefse?

[filbert]

Re: Jokes!!!

So . . . who brings the lefse?

Like the Norskie said when he saw the pizza . . .

"Who trew up on de lefse?"

[RodentiaX1]

Re: Jokes!!!

A Jackrabbit fan was reading the Bible and said "You know, it says a lot about St. Paul, but nothing about Minneapolis."

A Norwegian wedding invitation: , 2 da Vedding. Lena Mr.
Translation: Come to the Wedding, Lena missed her period.

Norwegian marriage proposal: "You're going to have a WHAT?!"

Ole and Sven went fishing, and had a great haul. Ole said "we ought to mark this spot.", so Sven painted a big red X on the bottom of the boat. Ole said "You idiot! How do you know we will get the same boat again."

Ole set up a bank, and when he lent out all the money, he skipped town.

Ole and Lena got married, but Lena was having an affair with Sven. Ole comes home early, and Lena hides Sven in the closet. Ole walks in and says "Lena, what are you doing naked in the middle of the day?" Lena says "I didn't have anything to wear." Ole walks over to the closet and says "Nothing to wear, look at this. One dress, two dress, three dress, hello Sven, four dress, five dress..."

Yes, I've read all the Ole and Lena jokebooks...

[thebluehatman]

Re: Jokes!!!

5 minute management course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

[Jacks-D1]

Re: Jokes!!!

Chuck Norris Jokes:

1. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep - he waits.
4. When Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesn't push himself up he pushes the earth down.
5. When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain.
7. Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf with a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sundried tomato. He shot a 54.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't fart. He detonates.
9. Chuck Norris watch doesn't have numbers. It just says "Time to Kick Ass".
10. They say Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

[RodentiaX1]

Re: Jokes!!!

What does Superman use to dry off after taking a shower? Tow-El. (If you didn't get it, Superman's Kryptonian name is Kal-El.)

Did you hear about the new cologne marketed at Midwesterners? It's called "Repression".

[jackrabit1]

Re: Jokes!!!

I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, per se, but it's easy to see this guy is "nuts!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C9aiWr0Vfg

On second thought, my comment qualifies as a joke!

[Jack4Life]

Re: Jokes!!!

I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, per se, but it's easy to see this guy is "nuts!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C9aiWr0Vfg

On second thought, my comment qualifies as a joke!

I am not sure that some of those test throws might have hit him in the head. (The one on his shoulders, that is!)

[jackrabit1]

Re: Jokes!!!

I got this from the newsletter that the Associated Press-South Dakota sends out...

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the
shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[valleyrabbit]

Re: Jokes!!!

The first joke...

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN
MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da
no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where
flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear
of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are
by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is
met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you
wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two
tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second
Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze
liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to
worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest
wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used
to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da
Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our
sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say
"trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not
because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat
of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in
da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put
your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee
pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am
going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let
deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land
in Dulut or pretty close."


Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline

Watch it. Many of us Lutherans are German! ;-)

[SUPERBUNNY]

Re: Jokes!!!

A joke thread, what's next? A hottie/cleavage thread? I mean, I'm just sayin'!

I love the idea of a joke thread!

New fan board slogan: SDSUFans.com Forum. You can post anything on hear!

SUPERBUNNY

[1stRowFANatic]

Re: Jokes!!!

A new Christmas program joke, well at least new to me:

(skip to part when they bring up the Magi Kings)

Kid 1: ... And they followed the star to Bethlehem.

Kid 2: It's a good thing they traded in their camels for new ones before they left.

Kid 1: What? Why is it good they got different camels?

Kid 2: They upgraded and got the models with the On-Star guidance package.

[MontanaRabbit]

Re: Jokes!!!

Chuck Norris Jokes:

1. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep - he waits.
4. When Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesn't push himself up he pushes the earth down.
5. When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain.
7. Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf with a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sundried tomato. He shot a 54.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't fart. He detonates.
9. Chuck Norris watch doesn't have numbers. It just says "Time to Kick Ass".
10. They say Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

There is no theory of evolution, just a few select critters Chuck Norris allows to exist.