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Not mine, I read this awhile ago and thought it was hilarious.
The story of Jim Harbaugh began in 1998. That year, he was supplanted by Peyton Manning as quarterback of the Colts. We all know now that Jim is insane, and Peyton didn't know what he had coming. I know what you're thinking. Huh? Well, it makes perfect sense. Jim was not content with losing his starting position. He vowed revenge in the only way he knew how: steal the job from Peyton Manning.
The only way to find the one to replace Manning was to home-grow the talent, so he pursued a career in coaching. That is why he began his coaching career before his playing career was even over, joining as an assistant at Western Kentucky.
According to Wikipedia, this was his role: Serving as an offensive consultant, he scouted and recruited high school student-athletes throughout several states including Florida, Indiana and Illinois.
It seemed he was doing this to help the university, but really he was doing it for himself.
After four long years of searching, he could not find anyone, so he decided to take a peculiar route: think logically. How do you replace a Manning? He then remembered 1983: Oliver Luck replaced Archie Manning as quarterback of the Oilers. There is something in the Luck bloodline that has the ability to supplant Manning. He went to Texas to investigate and learned that Oliver Luck had a son, 12-year old peewee quarterback Andrew Luck.
Having found the one, he retired from his playing career in 2001 and committed himself to a career in coaching. His first step in the coaching ladder was with the Oakland Raiders. There he met cheerleader Elizabeth Barry. He fell in love with her, and was distraught when he learned that she was dating Utah quarterback Alex Smith. He sought revenge towards Smith, but that's unrelated.
He found himself a comfortable head coaching role in San Diego but decided that it wouldn't hurt to step it up, so he accepted a role as head coach of Stanford University, knowing it would be easier to recruit Luck with a prominent head coaching position.
He used brainwashing skills to convince Luck; these were his own words (not kidding): Two things made me choose Stanford: academics, and Coach Harbaugh.
Obviously brainwashing.
With Andrew Luck under his wing, Jim Harbaugh turned him into one of the most elite quarterbacks in college football. Step one was complete. Step two, however, would prove to be more difficult.
How do you take out the Sheriff?
Tampering with medical staff seemed to be the best way, but in order to do so, he would need some NFL credibility, so he accepted a coaching offer with the 49ers. With his authority he was able to bribe Colts doctors into convincing Peyton Manning he had a neck condition (despite no signs of injury), sidelining Peyton long enough that the Colts would tailspin, and fall to the number one pick in the draft.
Harbaugh also used his role on the 49ers as an opportunity to get his long-awaited revenge on Alex Smith, so he drafted Colin Kaepernick (another young player Harbaugh scouted while at Western Kentucky) and transformed Alex Smith into one of the best quarterbacks in the league. Then, in the height of his prime, he benched him and replaced him with Kaepernick.
Meanwhile, how do you make sure the Colts draft Andrew Luck? And not someone else? Well, take a look at these two pictures:
Oliver Luck
Cris Collinsworth.
Obviously they are the same person. Some time circa 2010, Oliver Luck kidnapped Cris Collinsworth and used his media position to hype up his son to make sure he got drafted first overall.
After 14 years of work, the dream was complete.
Harbaugh: 1
Manning: 0
Smith: -1
The story of Jim Harbaugh began in 1998. That year, he was supplanted by Peyton Manning as quarterback of the Colts. We all know now that Jim is insane, and Peyton didn't know what he had coming. I know what you're thinking. Huh? Well, it makes perfect sense. Jim was not content with losing his starting position. He vowed revenge in the only way he knew how: steal the job from Peyton Manning.
The only way to find the one to replace Manning was to home-grow the talent, so he pursued a career in coaching. That is why he began his coaching career before his playing career was even over, joining as an assistant at Western Kentucky.
According to Wikipedia, this was his role: Serving as an offensive consultant, he scouted and recruited high school student-athletes throughout several states including Florida, Indiana and Illinois.
It seemed he was doing this to help the university, but really he was doing it for himself.
After four long years of searching, he could not find anyone, so he decided to take a peculiar route: think logically. How do you replace a Manning? He then remembered 1983: Oliver Luck replaced Archie Manning as quarterback of the Oilers. There is something in the Luck bloodline that has the ability to supplant Manning. He went to Texas to investigate and learned that Oliver Luck had a son, 12-year old peewee quarterback Andrew Luck.
Having found the one, he retired from his playing career in 2001 and committed himself to a career in coaching. His first step in the coaching ladder was with the Oakland Raiders. There he met cheerleader Elizabeth Barry. He fell in love with her, and was distraught when he learned that she was dating Utah quarterback Alex Smith. He sought revenge towards Smith, but that's unrelated.
He found himself a comfortable head coaching role in San Diego but decided that it wouldn't hurt to step it up, so he accepted a role as head coach of Stanford University, knowing it would be easier to recruit Luck with a prominent head coaching position.
He used brainwashing skills to convince Luck; these were his own words (not kidding): Two things made me choose Stanford: academics, and Coach Harbaugh.
Obviously brainwashing.
With Andrew Luck under his wing, Jim Harbaugh turned him into one of the most elite quarterbacks in college football. Step one was complete. Step two, however, would prove to be more difficult.
How do you take out the Sheriff?
Tampering with medical staff seemed to be the best way, but in order to do so, he would need some NFL credibility, so he accepted a coaching offer with the 49ers. With his authority he was able to bribe Colts doctors into convincing Peyton Manning he had a neck condition (despite no signs of injury), sidelining Peyton long enough that the Colts would tailspin, and fall to the number one pick in the draft.
Harbaugh also used his role on the 49ers as an opportunity to get his long-awaited revenge on Alex Smith, so he drafted Colin Kaepernick (another young player Harbaugh scouted while at Western Kentucky) and transformed Alex Smith into one of the best quarterbacks in the league. Then, in the height of his prime, he benched him and replaced him with Kaepernick.
Meanwhile, how do you make sure the Colts draft Andrew Luck? And not someone else? Well, take a look at these two pictures:
Oliver Luck
Cris Collinsworth.
Obviously they are the same person. Some time circa 2010, Oliver Luck kidnapped Cris Collinsworth and used his media position to hype up his son to make sure he got drafted first overall.
After 14 years of work, the dream was complete.
Harbaugh: 1
Manning: 0
Smith: -1