Jokes!!!

[jackrabit1]

I've decided... this board is incomplete without a joke section. So I'm setting one up here. After all, what's life without a little laughter!

[jackrabit1]

The first joke...

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN
MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da
no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where
flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear
of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are
by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is
met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you
wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two
tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second
Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze
liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to
worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest
wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used
to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da
Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our
sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say
"trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not
because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat
of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in
da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put
your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee
pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am
going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let
deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land
in Dulut or pretty close."


Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline

[West-River_Jack]

The first joke...

Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear
of da aircraft.

So . . . who brings the lefse?

[filbert]

So . . . who brings the lefse?
Like the Norskie said when he saw the pizza . . .

"Who trew up on de lefse?"

[RodentiaX1]

A Jackrabbit fan was reading the Bible and said "You know, it says a lot about St. Paul, but nothing about Minneapolis." :D

A Norwegian wedding invitation: , 2 da Vedding. Lena Mr.
Translation: Come to the Wedding, Lena missed her period.

Norwegian marriage proposal: "You're going to have a WHAT?!"

Ole and Sven went fishing, and had a great haul. Ole said "we ought to mark this spot.", so Sven painted a big red X on the bottom of the boat. Ole said "You idiot! How do you know we will get the same boat again."

Ole set up a bank, and when he lent out all the money, he skipped town.

Ole and Lena got married, but Lena was having an affair with Sven. Ole comes home early, and Lena hides Sven in the closet. Ole walks in and says "Lena, what are you doing naked in the middle of the day?" Lena says "I didn't have anything to wear." Ole walks over to the closet and says "Nothing to wear, look at this. One dress, two dress, three dress, hello Sven, four dress, five dress..."

Yes, I've read all the Ole and Lena jokebooks...

[thebluehatman]

5 minute management course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

[Jacks-D1]

Chuck Norris Jokes:

1. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep - he waits.
4. When Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesn't push himself up he pushes the earth down.
5. When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain.
7. Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf with a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sundried tomato. He shot a 54.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't fart. He detonates.
9. Chuck Norris watch doesn't have numbers. It just says "Time to Kick Ass".
10. They say Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

[RodentiaX1]

What does Superman use to dry off after taking a shower? Tow-El. (If you didn't get it, Superman's Kryptonian name is Kal-El.)

Did you hear about the new cologne marketed at Midwesterners? It's called "Repression".

[jackrabit1]

I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, per se, but it's easy to see this guy is "nuts!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C9aiWr0Vfg

On second thought, my comment qualifies as a joke!

[Jack4Life]

I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, per se, but it's easy to see this guy is "nuts!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C9aiWr0Vfg

On second thought, my comment qualifies as a joke!

I am not sure that some of those test throws might have hit him in the head. (The one on his shoulders, that is!)

[jackrabit1]

I got this from the newsletter that the Associated Press-South Dakota sends out...

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the
shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[valleyrabbit]

The first joke...

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN
MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da
no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where
flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear
of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are
by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is
met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you
wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two
tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second
Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze
liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to
worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest
wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used
to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da
Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our
sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say
"trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not
because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat
of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in
da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put
your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee
pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am
going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let
deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land
in Dulut or pretty close."


Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline

Watch it. Many of us Lutherans are German! ;-)

[SUPERBUNNY]

A joke thread, what's next? A hottie/cleavage thread? I mean, I'm just sayin'!

I love the idea of a joke thread!

New fan board slogan: SDSUFans.com Forum. You can post anything on hear!

SUPERBUNNY

[1stRowFANatic]

A new Christmas program joke, well at least new to me:

(skip to part when they bring up the Magi Kings)

Kid 1: ... And they followed the star to Bethlehem.

Kid 2: It's a good thing they traded in their camels for new ones before they left.

Kid 1: What? Why is it good they got different camels?

Kid 2: They upgraded and got the models with the On-Star guidance package.

[MontanaRabbit]

Chuck Norris Jokes:

1. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep - he waits.
4. When Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesn't push himself up he pushes the earth down.
5. When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain.
7. Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf with a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sundried tomato. He shot a 54.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't fart. He detonates.
9. Chuck Norris watch doesn't have numbers. It just says "Time to Kick Ass".
10. They say Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

There is no theory of evolution, just a few select critters Chuck Norris allows to exist.

[Walrus]

Fear the rabbit!

[jackrabit1]

I think it was simply making fun of our language idiosyncrasies... like in "Fargo". No need to get all bent out of shape about it.... it's supposed to be fun!

[Walrus]

Here's one that one of my patients told me. It's in season, too.

Three guys die on Christmas Eve. St Peter greets them and says, "ok, given the day and all, I want each of you to take something from your pocket and tell me how it represents Christmas. "First guy says, "that's easy" pulls out his lighter and says, "look-a Christmas candle." Second guy pulls his keys out and shakes them while singing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells." Third guy looks worried for a second, then his face lights up.
He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pair of ladies panties. "These are Carol's," he says.

[jackrabit1]

You know, you can take the Lutheran out and replace it with just about any religion up here in the Midwest. Even though I'm not Lutheran, I have several members of my family that are Lutheran, and let's face it, a lot of folks up here have a self-depreciating sense of humor. "Fargo" and "A Prairie Home Companion" come to mind as two big examples.

I've always believed that if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

And if you're offend, I'm sorry. But let's face it, it's not "The Golden Compass" for cryin' out lout!

[filbert]

You know, you can take the Lutheran out and replace it with just about any religion up here in the Midwest. Even though I'm not Lutheran, I have several members of my family that are Lutheran, and let's face it, a lot of folks up here have a self-depreciating sense of humor. "Fargo" and "A Prairie Home Companion" come to mind as two big examples.

I've always believed that if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

And if you're offend, I'm sorry. But let's face it, it's not "The Golden Compass" for cryin' out lout!
Three guys of differing ethnicity and religion risk their health, family, and mental well-being by walking into a drinking establishment . . .

[filbert]

Three guys of differing ethnicity and religion risk their health, family, and mental well-being by walking into a drinking establishment . . .
Oops . . . that should have been

"Three persons of differing sex, sexual orientation, ethnicity, and religious affiliation or absence thereof . . . "

[boxerboy]

Good one Walrus, that one is very funny.

Wait a minute here, based on what you said earlier how can you laugh at Walrus joke? Seems to me that joke is offensive to Christians. Get a life

[jackrabit1]

Some people have no sense of humor... Que Sera, Sera.

[jackrabit1]

Since we're on the thread of being "offensive..."

Politically Correct Terms for Thin Skinned People

* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.

* She does not have a rich daddy; she is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

* She does not hog the blankets; she is Thermally Unappreciative.

* She is not fat; she is Horizontally Challenged.*


and my favorite...

* He does not have his head up his butt; he is suffering from Rectal-Cranial Inversion!

[1stRowFANatic]

Good one Walrus, that one is very funny.

Not sure why this one is allowable but the Norwegian jokes are not. This joke is based on religous beliefs, the others on ethnicity. Both pretty important to the individuals involved.

[boxerboy]

I also failed to mention that you make fun of Pres. Bush everytime you post on this sight. Seems to me your a contradiction.
No one is suggesting you go up to a recent immigrant and make fun of their English. Nor do I think if you met the President would you remind him of all his speaking errors.
Lastly, if you think this kind of humor only happens in America I suggest you get out a little more. Travel to Europe and see what many will say right to our face.

[jackrabit1]

Perhaps we need to do what Isiah Washington did and go to rehab, since we're all so "offensive!" LOL

[Jacks-D1]

Check the title of this thread - it's called "Jokes!!!". Ole and Lena jokes are funny. Don't read the thread if you don't like jokes. Get over yourself.

Attorney joke time:

What's the difference between a dead attorney in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There's skidmarks in front of the skunk.

(by the way, I'm an attorney. This joke doesn't offend me)

[Jack4Life]

A joke thread, what's next? A hottie/cleavage thread? ISUPERBUNNY

Let's not lose track here that these are all jokes. Hell, I am a Swedish Baptist, don't think I haven't heard any jokes about them? (Many from the Norwegian Lutherans, right, MD!) Anyway, let's all lighten up a bit. Maybe we need to heed SB advise which I fully support!

[2002jack]

I thing there is a big diffeence here, I used actual quotes from President Bush. Ones he has actually said and do they make sense? No, so are suppose to keep a straight face just because he is the president? I dont think so. I think he is fair game and we have a right to laugh at him, or is he to be treated as though he was a king. Oh by the way, I would rather go watch a haircut than meet George Bush, but thats my opinion.

I am sensative about Norwegian Jokes, mainly because my dad, my materal grand father, two great grandfathers and a great great grandfather all were immigrants, all had to learn the English language. I am now trying to learn the Norweigian language, because some a@@ hole Americans thought that keeping a second language was a sign of disloyality. If you doubt what I say read about the period of time before USA entered WW1. Anyone speaking a second language and there were many where thought to be pro German, and the American Germans suffered the most under the Sedation Act. So even though both of my parents spoke Norwegian, they did not make me or my siblings speak that language and I wish they had. I would not have all these language books and tapes. I guess what bothers me the most is the difference sounds of vowels and often newer people from another country will still use patterns and sounds from their native language. They often struggle and I dont see any humor in that since, I have tried my Norwegian out on Norwegian speaking people and they don't see it as correct and often they too are amused.

As far as Europe, I looking forward to a trip in the near future. Since our Freedom Iraq was launched, we haven't made many friends in Europe so am not surprised that you did not receive a royal welcome.


I doubt anyone will get this but I dont like any ethnic jokes of any kind. America is made of many diverse groups who have come together under one government. Each group has contributed in one way or another, and none deserve to be a butt of any joke. Sometimes I think they are maybe an outlet for subtle racism. Now that will really stir some folks, but I think there might be some truth to that notion.

BTW Carol's panties has nothing to do with Chrisitanity, and that was why it was funny. Sorry I had to explain the punch line.

Finally, Pairie Home Companion, has been on my listening agenda for years. Keillor is not Norwegian, but he has a lot of respect for the Norwegian-Americans that have crossed his path. When he tells Norwegian Jokes, they are very selective and not intended to be a put down. So what PHC has and the joke that Jackrabbit1 told, there is much difference. His long joke made no sense whatsever so thats my take.

Amen brother! Finally somebody sticking up for us Scandinavian Americans. We have been discrimanted against way to long.

[RodentiaX1]

The interesting thing about Norwegian jokes is that they are almost invariably told by Norwegians. It's quite different than Polish jokes, which are usually told by non-Poles. You don't meet many Norwegian-Americans offended by Norwegian jokes, they are the only ones who buy the books of Norwegian jokes.

As far as learning the language of the "old country", it is hardly fair to call people who didn't choose to learn it a**holes. Quite often, the second generations of immigrants are not interested in the dull old stuff their parents did, but the third generation, they are interested in the interesting things their grandparents did. Would you really be so interested in learning the Norwegian language had you been forced to learn it?

But to keep it on-topic:

What happened to the cannibal lion?
He swallowed his pride.

[Jack4Life]

I am sensative about Norwegian Jokes, mainly because my dad, my materal grand father, two great grandfathers and a great great grandfather all were immigrants, all had to learn the English language. I am now trying to learn the Norweigian language, because some a@@ hole Americans thought that keeping a second language was a sign of disloyality. If you doubt what I say read about the period of time before USA entered WW1. Anyone speaking a second language and there were many where thought to be pro German, and the American Germans suffered the most under the Sedation Act. So even though both of my parents spoke Norwegian, they did not make me or my siblings speak that language and I wish they had. I would not have all these language books and tapes. I guess what bothers me the most is the difference sounds of vowels and often newer people from another country will still use patterns and sounds from their native language. They often struggle and I dont see any humor in that since, I have tried my Norwegian out on Norwegian speaking people and they don't see it as correct and often they too are amused.



Hey, Nidaros, I respect your heritage and your opinion. Personally, I really don't care about ethnic jokes as long as they are funny. I, too, though am very proud of my Swedish heritage. I am going to share a quick story about my Grandfather, Ivar. He was born in Sweden and at a very young age, his mother passed away. He lived with his father and eventually his father re-married. His step-mother never did like him and at the age of 11 he was kicked out of the house by her and went to live at a factory. This was probably a sweat shop of that era. He saved up his money and at age 17 he went to the coast to buy a ticket for a ship to go to the USA. He purchased his ticket and before he could get on the ship, it was overloaded and sold out and he had to wait another week for the next ship. He had no money and begged to get a ticket on the next ship. He did make it to New York a few weeks later and learned that the ship that he missed was the Titanic. He bummed on trains from New York to Sioux City and walked the remaining 50 miles to stay with a relative he knew from Sweden.

So what I am trying to say here is that I do have strong feelings for my heritage, but really don't care about the ethnic jokes as long as they don't attack anyone personally. We will have to agree to disagree and remain friends.

Sorry about the rant, but wanted to share...

[jackrabit1]

Okay, here's one we can agree on... UNLESS someone gets offended by USD jokes! SHEESH!


A USD fan passes away after a long and fulfilling life. He's suprised to see St. Peter meet him at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "after a life of love and goodness, I'm pleased to welcome you to Heaven. Let me show you where you'll be staying."

As the fan and St. Peter walk past the various fancy homes, the fan notices that the houses start out very fancy, but then start to decrease in prestige and quality. Finally they arrive at the fan's new abode... a tar paper shack with a ratty USD flag hanging on the door.

The USD fan then notices a glorious house off in the distance, all decked out in yellow and blue flowers, a huge manicured lawn with a huge SDSU flag waving in the breeze.

"I don't get it," says the USD fan. "I lived a good and decent life and I get a shack. And then some yokel SDSU Fan gets a mansion?!?!"

St. Peter replies, "I'm sorry, that's not just any SDSU fan's house... that's God's house!"

[RodentiaX1]

Why did the chicken cross the road.
For fowl reasons.

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white and round they would be an aspirin.

[boxerboy]

I thing there is a big diffeence here, I used actual quotes from President Bush. Ones he has actually said and do they make sense? No, so are suppose to keep a straight face just because he is the president? I dont think so. I think he is fair game and we have a right to laugh at him, or is he to be treated as though he was a king. Oh by the way, I would rather go watch a haircut than meet George Bush, but thats my opinion.

I am sensative about Norwegian Jokes, mainly because my dad, my materal grand father, two great grandfathers and a great great grandfather all were immigrants, all had to learn the English language. I am now trying to learn the Norweigian language, because some a@@ hole Americans thought that keeping a second language was a sign of disloyality. If you doubt what I say read about the period of time before USA entered WW1. Anyone speaking a second language and there were many where thought to be pro German, and the American Germans suffered the most under the Sedation Act. So even though both of my parents spoke Norwegian, they did not make me or my siblings speak that language and I wish they had. I would not have all these language books and tapes. I guess what bothers me the most is the difference sounds of vowels and often newer people from another country will still use patterns and sounds from their native language. They often struggle and I dont see any humor in that since, I have tried my Norwegian out on Norwegian speaking people and they don't see it as correct and often they too are amused.

As far as Europe, I looking forward to a trip in the near future. Since our Freedom Iraq was launched, we haven't made many friends in Europe so am not surprised that you did not receive a royal welcome.


I doubt anyone will get this but I dont like any ethnic jokes of any kind. America is made of many diverse groups who have come together under one government. Each group has contributed in one way or another, and none deserve to be a butt of any joke. Sometimes I think they are maybe an outlet for subtle racism. Now that will really stir some folks, but I think there might be some truth to that notion.

BTW Carol's panties has nothing to do with Chrisitanity, and that was why it was funny. Sorry I had to explain the punch line.

Finally, Pairie Home Companion, has been on my listening agenda for years. Keillor is not Norwegian, but he has a lot of respect for the Norwegian-Americans that have crossed his path. When he tells Norwegian Jokes, they are very selective and not intended to be a put down. So what PHC has and the joke that Jackrabbit1 told, there is much difference. His long joke made no sense whatsever so thats my take.

Hey Nidaros, I got the joke and I didn't need your help. Perhaps you may need the help. The part of the Walrus joke that christians may find objectioable has nothing to do with Carol's panties. In the future I will make sure to clear all my jokes through you as you seem to be the arbiter of good taste.

[SUPERBUNNY]

I did a lot of research to find a group of tribal people that are no longer inexistence so that there is no way to offend anyone!

There was a small group of clansmen in Southern Europe called the Hittites. Their entire village was killed a few hundred years ago during probably the worst winter in charted history.

Anyway, they were great storytellers and loved jokes. So, here it goes!

This is a story about two Hittites named Ole and Sven.......



These are jokes folks! HA, HA, HA!!! If you can't help but be offended than avoid the thread or have thicker skin!

Can I get an Amen from the Jackrabbit Nation!?!?!?! Wait is that offensive?

SUPERBUNNY

[SUPERBUNNY]

Maybe a shot of cleavage will take everyone's mind off of the offensive jokes!

http://bp2.blogger.com/_LMT_QGqV3is/Rma-_clVF0I/AAAAAAAAABE/A5eVEfYLU54/s1600-h/cleavage.jpg

Now that is funny, I don't care where you are from!

SUPERBUNNY

[Jack4Life]

I did a lot of research to find a group of tribal people that are no longer inexistence so that there is no way to offend anyone!

There was a small group of clansmen in Southern Europe called the Hittites. Their entire village was killed a few hundred years ago during probably the worst winter in charted history.

Anyway, they were great storytellers and loved jokes. So, here it goes!

This is a story about two Hittites named Ole and Sven.......



These are jokes folks! HA, HA, HA!!! If you can't help but be offended than avoid the thread or have thicker skin!

Can I get an Amen from the Jackrabbit Nation!?!?!?! Wait is that offensive?SUPERBUNNY

AMEN! That on was so good I even read it to my wife who thinks I spend way too much time here!

[Nidaros]

Hey Nidaros, I got the joke and I didn't need your help. Perhaps you may need the help. The part of the Walrus joke that christians may find objectioable has nothing to do with Carol's panties. In the future I will make sure to clear all my jokes through you as you seem to be the arbiter of good taste.

Now why would you need to do that? LOL Sense of humor? I think I just got the goat of a boxer boy. Thats okay I am laughing. You are free to tell any joke you like.

[Nidaros]

Check the title of this thread - it's called "Jokes!!!". Ole and Lena jokes are funny. Don't read the thread if you don't like jokes. Get over yourself.

Attorney joke time:

What's the difference between a dead attorney in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There's skidmarks in front of the skunk.

(by the way, I'm an attorney. This joke doesn't offend me)

BTW I am not an attorney and I dont get the joke. I am serious. Does it have something to do with chasing an ambulance? If so then I guess I get it. . Yeah its funny.

[boxerboy]

BTW I am not an attorney and I dont get the joke. I am serious. Does it have something to do with chasing an ambulance? If so then I guess I get it. . Yeah its funny.

I'm not sure if you're serious or not but the point of the joke is that one would try to avoid a skunk on the road where as an attorney we would proceed to run right over.
Nidaros,
The only real offense I took with your major argument was referring to those immigrants (who would only speak English) as a$$ holes. When my great grandfather and grandfather immigrated they felt the most important thing they could do as Americans is to learn the English language in order to become a part of society here. By continuing to speak their native tongue it only delayed and hindered them and especially the children, from learning and speaking English properly. Hence their home shortly after immigrating through Ellis Island in the late 19th century was English only and the native tongue forbidden.

[jackmd]

I'm not sure a forum regarding South Dakota State University was ever meant to take on this direction. Especially not under a topic labeled "Jokes!!!". Where is Catchem when you need him?

[thebluehatman]

Or just delete the arguing and keep only the jokes...

[filbert]

I'm not sure a forum regarding South Dakota State University was ever meant to take on this direction. Especially not under a topic labeled "Jokes!!!". Where is Catchem when you need him?
Hmm . . . start a thread dedicated to telling jokes . . . end up discussing 19th Century U.S. immigration policy . . .

That's pretty gosh-darned funny to me . . . :p

[Jack4Life]

I've got a fever and the only presciption is more jokes, baby!

[thebluehatman]

5 minute management course

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

[Nidaros]

Or just delete the arguing and keep only the jokes...

Okay to make everyone happy I will do exactly that. All of my posts in this have been deleted. I can not edit where I been quoted. So that I have no control over.

[JackJD]

I think a big part of the risk in telling many jokes, notably those picking on groups, is that the humor depends on the listener believing that there is a kernel of "truth" built into the joke. For example, assume one of you has a daughter who is 10 years old, the apple of your eye, a brilliant child who is destined to earn a doctorate and finds the cure for a terrible disease. Assume further your daughter is very blonde.

Now, want to hear another blonde joke?

Given sufficient time, I am confident I can find out something about a person and weave it into a joke which is very insulting to that person and yet makes everyone within earshot roar with laughter. When the person who is the target registers an objection, I shoot back: What's the matter? Can't take a joke? I can laugh at myself...heck I tell jokes on lawyers all the time. Irish lawyers, like me...hah, hah, hah...Know why God invented whiskey? To keep the Irish from taking over the world....

I took a different view of lawyer jokes when my son became a lawyer. Now, I prefer you not tell me lawyer jokes because I don't like it when you portray my son in a bad light. You can do all you want to me but don't go after my kid.

Every so often I have a client give me a book of lawyer jokes. Two of those books are on my desk in my office. Yes, I've retold a few. But, think about it...lawyer jokes make people laugh because they depend on portraying lawyers in a negative light and, after all, don't we know those things are true about lawyers?

Actually, I don't get too bent out of shape on these things but I understand why some may object. I respect that objection. What business do I have making fun of someone of a particular heritage? [I have a copy of the often-seen picture from the 1860s...a store window with the sign "Help Wanted -- No Irish Need Apply". I'm about 75% Irish. Most of my ancestors came over, many died, on the boats from 1848-1852. Few immigrant groups had as much trouble as the Irish when they first came to America.]

When nearly all of us reading and contributing to this Message Board share a common love of SDSU, should we focus on our similarities and common goals or should we spend time talking about our differences?

That's my two-cents worth.

[Nidaros]

I'm not sure a forum regarding South Dakota State University was ever meant to take on this direction. Especially not under a topic labeled "Jokes!!!". Where is Catchem when you need him?

Your right. Have a nice day.

[Walrus]

Wait a minute here, based on what you said earlier how can you laugh at Walrus joke? Seems to me that joke is offensive to Christians. Get a life


I'm not sure how to respond or even if I should. I am a Christian and on some levels a rather militant one, I suppose. I'm not sure if boxerboy is really an offended Christian or just taking a poke at Nidaros. I don't think the joke is particularly offensive. I suppose the panties in the pocket implies a possibility of illicit behavior. Perhaps we could change the "ladies panties" to "ladies pink mittens" and retain the essence of the story.

Of course, the idea of St Peter sitting at the Gates of Heaven allowing souls to enter based on the whim of the day is not theologically sound.
Many jokes, however, depend upon an absurd premise. In fact many jokes depend upon this particular absurd premise.

For example, (this one will offend the athiests, but I'm not pc enough to care)

A man dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "ok, here's how it works. You need 100 points to get in. You tell me the good things you've done and I assign a point value to each one. If you get 100 points you're in."

The guy figures this is easy. He says "I was married to the same woman for more than 50 years and never cheated once, not even in my heart."

St Peter says, "That's pretty good - 3 points"

The guy says, "Only 3. How about this? I attended church all my life and supported it with my tithe and service."

St Peter says "That gets you a point"

"One? I started a soup kitchen in my town and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans"

"Terrific, that's good for 2 points"

Now totally exasperated, the guy shouts, "2 points! At this rate the only way I'll ever get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!

[JackJD]

Walrus: I think I've gotten more mileage out of the panties joke today than any joke I've told in the last two years.

[boxerboy]

I'm not sure how to respond or even if I should. I am a Christian and on some levels a rather militant one, I suppose. I'm not sure if boxerboy is really an offended Christian or just taking a poke at Nidaros. I don't think the joke is particularly offensive. I suppose the panties in the pocket implies a possibility of illicit behavior. Perhaps we could change the "ladies panties" to "ladies pink mittens" and retain the essence of the story.

Of course, the idea of St Peter sitting at the Gates of Heaven allowing souls to enter based on the whim of the day is not theologically sound.
Many jokes, however, depend upon an absurd premise. In fact many jokes depend upon this particular absurd premise.

For example, (this one will offend the athiests, but I'm not pc enough to care)

A man dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "ok, here's how it works. You need 100 points to get in. You tell me the good things you've done and I assign a point value to each one. If you get 100 points you're in."

The guy figures this is easy. He says "I was married to the same woman for more than 50 years and never cheated once, not even in my heart."

St Peter says, "That's pretty good - 3 points"

The guy says, "Only 3. How about this? I attended church all my life and supported it with my tithe and service."

St Peter says "That gets you a point"

"One? I started a soup kitchen in my town and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans"

"Terrific, that's good for 2 points"

Now totally exasperated, the guy shouts, "2 points! At this rate the only way I'll ever get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!

I was only trying to make a point with Nidaros (poorly I guess) I thought your joke was very funny. None of the jokes I have seen have offended me. Other than that Mav a$$hole that got kicked off this forum.

[Jacks-D1]

Husband and Wife Diary entries:


Wife's entry:

Nov 15, 2007

My husband went deer hunting today and I went shopping with my girlfriend's. Met up with my husband for supper. He seemed sullen and withdrawn all throughout supper. On the drive home my husband was silent. When we got home he quickly put his pajamas on and went to bed. I was worried something was wrong and I went to bed also. I cuddled next to him and despite his mood he responded to my touch and we made love. Afterward he was again quiet and withdrawn and went right to sleep. What is going on? What have I done? Is he seeing someone? I don't know what to do.




Husbands entry:

Nov 15, 2007

Missed a big buck today, but at least I got laid.

[1stRowFANatic]

Husband's thought maybe, but diary entry?

Good Joke

[Jacks-D1]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken back because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

[Jack4Life]

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Geez, D1, how am supposed to get any work done?

[RodentiaX1]

If time went backwards, the world would be a very different place:

You would make a lot of money pumping gas from your tank into the gas station's tank.

Car dealers buy new cars from you, paying you in monthly installments, and in addition, they give you an old wreck to drive.

Mechanics pay you to damage your car, but the damage will get fixed by driving over a pothole.

Uphill skiing would be very popular, and a great cure for a broken leg.

Tornados would be fantastic! They would sweep through broken down neighborhoods, building homes along the way.

We would export crappy products to China.

Not all would be good, however:

Santa Claus would be a jerk who steals children's favorite toys.

St. Francis would be a monster who maims small animals.

Winning the lottery would really suck.

... and vomiting would be even a worse experience.

[jackrabit1]

Since it's Friday... and who's really working right now... I present the wit and wisdom of Cheers' favorite barfly.



"Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr.. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, `what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

[boxerboy]

Since it's Friday... and who's really working right now... I present the wit and wisdom of Cheers' favorite barfly.



"Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr.. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, `what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."
Ahh the cool and refreshing philosophies of Norm Peterson. Thanks Jackrabbit 1

[Rabbit3467]

jackrabit1

Cheers and Norm, my favorites.

Rep points for you.

[EQguy]

An addendum to Bluehats initial Management Lesson:

Management Lesson #2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

[1bunnies]

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 45 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.....

#1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

[i_got_a_fever]

A Jackrabbit fan and a Coyote Fan are both in 1st grade...who is bigger?

The Coyote fan because he's 18.

[thebluehatman]

What do you call a resturant with no management and lots of high schoolers?

Burger King.

Oooh my dad would frown at me for that one

[thebluehatman]

The Blimp

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil are converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "relaxing sleep mode" to HOLY SH*T! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 700.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities.

Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress) (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living sh*t out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped
it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there.

I closed the door, thus sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

************************************************** ***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we had assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

[thebluehatman]

The Train set

Little Johnny loved his new train set. He could spend hours every day happily playing by himself with his beloved train. One day while his mom was cooking she overheard Johnny playing with his trains.

Every time the train would stop at the station, Johnny would say, "Everyone that wants to get off the train, get the !@#@! off. Every one that wants to get on, get the !@#@! on."

Shocked, Johnny was sent to sit in the time out chair for two hours before being aloud to begin play with the train set. As johnny began the play his mother listened by the kitchen door to see if he had learn his lesson.

As the train pulled into the station, she heard Johnny say, "Everyone that wants to get off, get the !@#@! off, Everyone that wants to get on, get the !@#@! on. Everyone who has a problem with the two hour delay, direct your complaints to the bitch in the kitchen."

***Good jokes in this thread deserve some rep points. Share the love and throw out some points to your favorite jokes.

[jackrabit1]

It's an oldy but a goody and I figure it's worth a few rep points!


ACUTAL AIRLINE CONVERSATIONS....


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


************************************************** ***

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


************************************************** *****

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


************************************************** *******

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


************************************************** ********

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


************************************************** ******

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


************************************************** *****

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

************************************************** *******

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the ollowing:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


************************************************** ********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


************************************************** *********
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute litt! le plane . Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

************************************************** *********

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


************************************************** *****************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[KUlawJack]

Deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will
give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole."

[GoJackRabbits#1]

I had no idea there was such a thing as Norwegian jokes. Ole and Lena?


Where I'm from, we make fun of Kentucky:

Did you hear about the Kentucky Wildcat who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Eastern Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky
burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Q. Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
A. Otherwise it would be called a "teethbrush"

[thebluehatman]

New Salesman

A young man from Brookings moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid answers, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Brookings."

Well, the manager liked the kid and gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The manager says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Expedition."

The manager listened to this and wondered aloud, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?!?!??!!!"

The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."

[thebluehatman]

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and rented a car to go to the nearest golfcourse for a round of golf. When he returned the car, the man in the car rental agency noticed that the golfer had dropped something in the front seat and said: "Excuse me, sir, but are these yours?" "Yes, thanks, those are my tees." "What do you do with them?" "I put my balls on them when I drive..."

[thebluehatman]

Lie Detecting Robot
One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"
Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!

[thebluehatman]

:(Judging by the response I've gotten, it's clear Jackrabbit fans aren't too fond of humor.

[SDSUJack3031]

:(Judging by the response I've gotten, it's clear Jackrabbit fans aren't too fond of humor.

Sorry....sometimes I have better things to do than sit on here all day....

[EQguy]

Sorry....sometimes I have better things to do than sit on here all day....

Then why comment?

[EQguy]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment, scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The Titanic hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,

as
Sinko de Mayo.

[tdhummel]

When I was a baby, someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and
it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed
n the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which
was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom
came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little
princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "just the cutest
thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
toilet???"

[jackrabit1]

Lie Detecting Robot
One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"
Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!

Sorry, I was too busy LAUGHING!!!

[thebluehatman]

Nominated as the world's best short joke of 2007.




A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.


'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

[EQguy]

Yeah, its not usually my personality to get into fights but it just sort of happenend. Let me explain:

I got into a car accident, wasn't paying full attention and rear ended a car pretty good. When we pulled over to the side of the road I got out and waited to apologize to the other driver and make sure he was ok. Well, he gets out of his car and it turns out he's a little person (not sure what the pc term is these days). He got out of his car and came storming toward me. When he got right up to me he stopped and forcefully stated "I'm not happy!"

I looked at him and said, "If you're not happy, which one are you then?"

Thats when the fight started.